‘Tis the season…to make resolutions. After a wild month or so of partying and living it up, most people are feeling guilty and use the New Year as the means to fix all of those things they did during the end of the last year. It’s a New Year, and therefore a new slate. Yeah, ok. Whatever. I once read some statistic somewhere that only like 5% of people who make New Year’s resolutions actually keep those resolutions. In fact, by the end of January, they’ve already slipped down that slippery slope right back into the bad habits they had so carefully forged the 360 or so days before…depending on how long they actually lasted. Sound familiar? I know it does to me…all too. I’m tired of the feelings of failure and incompetence when I give up after day…ahem…5 or 6. So this year, my resolution is not to make any resolutions. Now, don’t pull those semantics on me, saying that my resolution to not make resolutions is, in essence, a resolution. I couldn’t care less. I’m still doing it, unless I can come up with a better idea. Why set myself up for another failure? It’s not worth the time and effort. I never do what I’ve set out to do to begin with, so what Is the point? Oh wait…I feel a mega-super idea coming on…

Alright, now, bear with me here…what if I resolve to do all of those things that I really don’t want to do? I mean, if I’m not going to do what I resolve to do anyway, maybe this will work kind of like reverse psychology…I resolve to do something horrible and bad, and since it’s a New Year’s resolution, I’m not going to end up fulfilling that resolution anyway, that only means that I’ll end up doing the right thing by default. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of this before! It’s pure genius!! The logic is flawless…there is no way it won’t work because it has always worked in the opposite way for everyone, everywhere. If it does work, I can write a book about it…”Making New Year’s Resolutions. Using Reverse Psychology”!! The possibilities are endless…this is so exciting! Oh…anyway…right, I’m still writing a blog post here, aren’t I? Ok, so without further ado, here are Izzy’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2008: The Reverse Psychological Edition.

1) I resolve to be horribly impatient. Patience may be virtuous, but I personally find it’s virtuosity to be totally overrated. Besides, I’ve been impatient for so long, I’ve gotten it down to a science. You might say I’ve perfected the art. That, in of itself, would render me JUST in the eyes of men, so sayeth Plato.

2) I resolve to sit on the couch and watch things like Jerry Springer all day long. Exercise, schmexercise…who needs it when there are such cool things on the telly? Plus, if exercise is something I need to think more about, I can just tune in to Fitness TV. Thinking about all the exercise they’re doing should burn at least a few calories,. Brilliant idea, no?

3) I resolve to spend absolutely no time, whatsoever, with my children. I have 11 chldren…surely with that large of a number, they can entertain each other without me having to participate. Éamon wants a story read to him? He can learn to read it for himself, for heaven’s sake! He’s a smart kid…and two really isn’t all that young to learn how to read. Séamus and Finbar need a bath?, Well, good grief! Why on earth can’t they do it themselves? Yeah, they very well could make it too hot, and very possibly get a wee bit scalded, but how does one learn without trial and error? I have better things to do (like watch Jerry Springer…I do have to make sure I fulfill Resolution #2) then to do these things with my children. They can either do it themselves, or do without. I really don’t see why that would be a problem.

4) I resolve to not read a decent book all year. Books are useless. It takes too much time to read them, and I’d have to have the patience of a saint to do it. That would interfere with Resolution #1, which of course is problematic. Books such as Harlequin Romances are fine…or maybe a Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography…but nothing substantial. Who needs Hamlet when one can have Sven and his abnormally large pectoral muscles?

5) Lastly, I resolve to continue on my downward spiral into disorganizational oblivion. Being disorganized has definite advantages. No one asks you to borrow anything because you won’t be able to find what they need anyway, for it will have been sucked into the Abyss of the Unknown, from which nothing ever leaves. Nor are you ever asked to do anything because everyone knows you won’t remember the time and place to help (you would have written down the information, but of course you didn’t know where your date book was, and although you told yourself you would find it so you could write down the pertinent information about where and when, you forgot to look for it because you became too caught up in that rather large basket of stuff that needed to be put away…it had been sitting there for about 2 months and you were sure that the spatula (that you needed to make grilled cheese with) that had been lost one evening after trying to use it to pry off some gum from the wall, was indeed in there, but as you went through the basket, you found a pair of socks that needed to be washed, which meant you first had to find the laundry detergent…you get the idea). All of those piled up papers and books made rather nice walls (so long as they don’t’ topple over…). I won’t have to homeschool (and therefore spend time with the kids, violating Resolution #3), because I won’t remember where I put the books. And we can have chocolate pudding for dinner because I’ll have forgotten to write out my list before going to the grocery store. If anything, that last bit will make me very popular amongst the younger crowd here at Casa Izz! Life will be good…in an exceptionally cluttered and disorganized sort of way.

I think 5 resolutions should be sufficient. I don’t want to make it too easy to fulfill (because remember, I really don’t want to do these things), nor do I want to make it too difficult…after all, I have to make it look like I’m actually trying, right?

Now to get this typed up and posted (I always write my posts out in a notebook first). Although, typing would interfere with Resolution #1 (typing takes loads of patience…especially when you have to do it on the laptop rather than the regular computer), as well as Resolution #2 (typing will take up valuable telly time). Oooooo!!! I’ve got it! I’ll make one of the kids type it out. That way I’ll still be keeping Resolution #’s 1 and 2, as well as keep Resolution #3. Brilliant! This may end up being too easy…that really could be a problem…

Happy New Year, everyone!